I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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