I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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