Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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