Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
