Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
