I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
