sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
