Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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