Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
