Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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