I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
