Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
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You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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