can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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