Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
