Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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