VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the condom got lost in my hair
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
