The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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