Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
