Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
