I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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