So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
