I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
