im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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