The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
