I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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