you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
