great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
