Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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