Michael Bay diarrhea
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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