We're facebook friends in real life
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
