genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
