Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
