Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
