Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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