yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
