While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
