i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
