I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
