Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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