I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
