his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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