update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like eating out sand paper
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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