Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
