I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
