Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
