I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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