My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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