nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
