At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
