i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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