so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
