If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
