Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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