Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
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Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
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And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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