So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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