Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
