I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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