glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize