Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
