Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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