The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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