He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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