there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I deserve this hangover.
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